A long long time ago I was a mad mathematician who dared to dream big and ended up crash landing! This resulted in my original blog (Me Or My Maths) disappearing from this Universe as I was no longer able to carry on writing and you've fortunately been spared details of how I crashed and what happened afterwards. (One word - KIDS!!!)
Roughly eight years later I have been able to start blogging again, so please do go easy on me!
Being "bad" at Maths will always be my first love.
Being "bad" at teaching Maths is putting up a good challenge!
That in two sentences is how I always view things and it has its benefits. Being "bad" is what always motivates me to strive and improve. Sometimes I should be kind to myself and look for any "good" that I might be doing (what my first ever Block A mentor advised me) but I am my worst critic. Nothing is "good" enough for me. I like it like this but it does come with its pressures. Wanting to constantly improve requires a lot of time and dedication. As a young mathematician this was a luxury I took for granted during my degree. I have definitely had a rude awakening on how I need to change, as real life has caught up with me and I am no longer able to afford the liberties I once had. So now rather than being motivated by all the "bad" - I get stressed out instead. Simply because I feel I am not doing anything about improving or put better - I don't have the time to improve. I have ended up being bad at my job at work and being a bad mum for my kids. It seems I am able to only do one thing properly and struggle with the whole multi-tasking business.
Hence the reason for this blog.
By writing about my new journey, maybe I will go easier on myself and be better able to manage the pressures I put on myself. It's great having very high standards and high expectations, but these days they come at a cost. A cost to my family. I said to myself one month ago - "NO MORE", but still one month later I find the old me creeping back. The one that shuns family and makes family life a process that needs to power down by x pm so that I can boot up properly and dedicate time to improving my teaching among other things. The family process is extremely non-linear (SHOCKINGLY!) and very chaotic. Maybe my own doing due to my naivety in embracing chaos, but this needs sorting out urgently.
I'm extremely torn by so many things.
I have only got this far due to the support of so many good and decent people out there who have constantly, selflessly helped me out. Thank you for your kindness - whether its a reassuring word, honest truths or guiding me with my teaching. I have truly stood on the shoulders of giants and hope to carry on learning so that I can continue that chain.
My only wish for September is that I don't let everyone down (again) - especially my family, students, colleagues and the people who were willing to take a chance with me.
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