Day 0.1

I couldn't sleep last night.

Excitement.
Nerves.
The millions cups of teas I had drank during the day.
PANIC!

Last I checked the clock it was 4am.

I had to be up at 7.30am.

I'll spare you the details and the near misses on the way - I prayed the rest of the journey is all you need to know!

In one sentence - I LOVED IT! Just being back... felt like I was back home or something.

There is so much to learn and already so much to do. The challenge excites me. I'm definitely up for it. My insecurities of making sure I do above and beyond my line of duty crept up a bit today. For a second I felt out of my depth. But that's the process to doing well (she says...). Self doubt and tackling your own demons comes first. Only when you deal with them can you try to make a start on your goals.

I've probably got more demons than the regular person.... dodgy past and all that. Can't say more --- you know the "if I tell you I vill have to kill you thing"...

Kidding. Don't stop reading!

I'm not doing a good job of selling my self am I?!! Maybe it's a bad thing but I wear my weaknesses and my critique on my sleeve. I share them liberally and sometimes it may come across that I'm lacking confidence in what I want to do. I'm not.

My process is to first get scared. Scared of failure probably. Scared that I'm going to make a big hash of things. Fear of letting people who have trusted me and gone out of their way for me down. Fear of letting my self and my own standards down.

The most important thing is to have a shield around you amongst all this fear. Look at it from a birds eye view. Let it motivate you and push you to keep working hard but don't let it be a deterrent. Don't let it consume you. If you find your shields are failing you need to recharge them with people who inspire and motivate you.

Rubbish thing for me is that my leadership team inspire me and I don't know if it's always wise to lay yourself out for them to see your weaknesses and fears.

For me its all about development and reflection and improving my practice and habits. Improving as a person.  But on my NQT year we were told save your best for observations and I'm getting the idea its the same for your insecurities and fears. Keep them locked up. Especially the ones that are deep rooted and can perhaps begin to create questions and doubt in others mind... "Is she ok in the head" "She's got a screw loose" "Maybe we shouldn't give her this extra responsibility" and the like.

I'm not one to worry about what people say but is sharing fears a deterrent to career progression?

I was reading the article of the Dr that got struck off and she had honestly reviewed her practice and reflected online. In court them exact reflections were used against her. Maybe there's no longer a place for being reflective publicly or sharing your fears with leaders?


I probably won't change and will keep on being honest about things... but it made me sad to think that some people might not be asking for help or support because they don't want others to see them as weak or "bad at their job".

I'M THE WORST TEACHER OUT THERE! The book "Worst Teacher" is all about me. For every good thing I do there's five things that go wrong... but that shouldn't stop one from reflecting or trying to "cover up".

Not sure where this deviation has come from.

First day back loved it.

Maths is awesome.
Teaching it is a great.
Working in a school who treats teachers like people is the best.

So fears --- expecto patronum -- I've got this covered. Thanks for the push in the right direction. :)   Keep on guiding me!

Countdown to the new term..

Today the date is Saturday 1st September 2018.

Tomorrow it is Sunday 2nd September 2018.

And then it all starts again. Theme park officially opens and the roller coaster ride begins again!

Welcome New Term!

I had wanted to do a lot of work and planning in the holidays. The optimist in me is saying "Don't worry - you still have two days". The pessimist has long since jumped off a sinking ship! Lastly the realist in me has drawn up a list of things that need doing which has reassured me as a lot can't be done without x, y, z so they WILL have to wait till Monday!

In my NQT year I worked throughout half terms, Christmas etc. I would sometimes go into school and do my marking rather than bringing it home, but I didn't really class them as holidays. Thankfully my mentor sorted me out when she noticed I was slipping a bit, because I was spending too long in planning lessons to try to make them "perfect/outstanding" to maximise student learning.  And obviously the fact remains that there is no such thing as every lesson being perfect! After a few harsh home truths, I realised that I was being unfair to myself and my family and it was affecting other areas of being a teacher (namely REPORT WRITING!).

So now I always take the first half of any holiday as an actual holiday and leave the last few days or last week for work (where possible). I used to do it the other way round at the start- work for the first few days/week and then have my holiday during the second half  -  then I realised that the "week before stress mode" is automatically activated and I am yet unable to fix this glitch! So I might as well relax first and enjoy whatever I can!

The main purpose of my existence this year is about Maths Buzz. It's about getting students engaged with their mathematics outside and inside lessons. I hope to write about that here (next post!) but as you know I am a massive waffler... it runs in the blood honestly... so please bare with me!

I am always after ideas so if there's something great out there that your're doing please do share! It's all about standing on the shoulder of giants - I should change my name to Sophie...

Me Or My Maths Teaching...

A long long time ago I was a mad mathematician who dared to dream big and ended up crash landing! This resulted in my original blog (Me Or My Maths) disappearing from this Universe as I was no longer able to carry on writing and you've fortunately been spared details of how I crashed and what happened afterwards. (One word - KIDS!!!)

Roughly eight years later I have been able to start blogging again, so please do go easy on me!

Being "bad" at Maths will always be my first love.
Being "bad" at teaching Maths is putting up a good challenge!

That in two sentences is how I always view things and it has its benefits. Being "bad" is what always motivates me to strive and improve. Sometimes I should be kind to myself and look for any "good" that I might be doing (what my first ever Block A mentor advised me) but I am my worst critic. Nothing is "good" enough for me. I like it like this but it does come with its pressures. Wanting to constantly improve requires a lot of time and dedication. As a young mathematician this was a luxury I took for granted during my degree. I have definitely had a rude awakening on how I need to change, as real life has caught up with me and I am no longer able to afford the liberties I once had. So now rather than being motivated by all the "bad" -  I get stressed out instead. Simply because I feel I am not doing anything about improving or put better - I don't have the time to improve. I have ended up being bad at my job at work and being a bad mum for my kids. It seems I am able to only do one thing  properly and struggle with the whole multi-tasking business.

Hence the reason for this blog.

By writing about my new journey, maybe I will go easier on myself and be better able to manage the pressures I put on myself. It's great having very high standards and high expectations, but these days they come at a cost. A cost to my family. I said to myself one month ago - "NO MORE", but still one month later I find the old me creeping back. The one that shuns family and makes family life a process that needs to power down by x pm so that I can boot up properly and dedicate time to improving my teaching among other things. The family process is extremely non-linear (SHOCKINGLY!) and very chaotic. Maybe my own doing due to my naivety in embracing chaos, but this needs sorting out urgently.

I'm extremely torn by so many things.

I have only got this far due to the support of so many good and decent people out there who have constantly, selflessly helped me out. Thank you for your kindness - whether its a reassuring word, honest truths or guiding me with my teaching.  I have truly stood on the shoulders of giants and hope to carry on learning so that I can continue that chain. 

My only wish for September is that I don't let everyone down (again) - especially my family, students, colleagues and the people who were willing to take a chance with me.