Day 0.1

I couldn't sleep last night.

Excitement.
Nerves.
The millions cups of teas I had drank during the day.
PANIC!

Last I checked the clock it was 4am.

I had to be up at 7.30am.

I'll spare you the details and the near misses on the way - I prayed the rest of the journey is all you need to know!

In one sentence - I LOVED IT! Just being back... felt like I was back home or something.

There is so much to learn and already so much to do. The challenge excites me. I'm definitely up for it. My insecurities of making sure I do above and beyond my line of duty crept up a bit today. For a second I felt out of my depth. But that's the process to doing well (she says...). Self doubt and tackling your own demons comes first. Only when you deal with them can you try to make a start on your goals.

I've probably got more demons than the regular person.... dodgy past and all that. Can't say more --- you know the "if I tell you I vill have to kill you thing"...

Kidding. Don't stop reading!

I'm not doing a good job of selling my self am I?!! Maybe it's a bad thing but I wear my weaknesses and my critique on my sleeve. I share them liberally and sometimes it may come across that I'm lacking confidence in what I want to do. I'm not.

My process is to first get scared. Scared of failure probably. Scared that I'm going to make a big hash of things. Fear of letting people who have trusted me and gone out of their way for me down. Fear of letting my self and my own standards down.

The most important thing is to have a shield around you amongst all this fear. Look at it from a birds eye view. Let it motivate you and push you to keep working hard but don't let it be a deterrent. Don't let it consume you. If you find your shields are failing you need to recharge them with people who inspire and motivate you.

Rubbish thing for me is that my leadership team inspire me and I don't know if it's always wise to lay yourself out for them to see your weaknesses and fears.

For me its all about development and reflection and improving my practice and habits. Improving as a person.  But on my NQT year we were told save your best for observations and I'm getting the idea its the same for your insecurities and fears. Keep them locked up. Especially the ones that are deep rooted and can perhaps begin to create questions and doubt in others mind... "Is she ok in the head" "She's got a screw loose" "Maybe we shouldn't give her this extra responsibility" and the like.

I'm not one to worry about what people say but is sharing fears a deterrent to career progression?

I was reading the article of the Dr that got struck off and she had honestly reviewed her practice and reflected online. In court them exact reflections were used against her. Maybe there's no longer a place for being reflective publicly or sharing your fears with leaders?


I probably won't change and will keep on being honest about things... but it made me sad to think that some people might not be asking for help or support because they don't want others to see them as weak or "bad at their job".

I'M THE WORST TEACHER OUT THERE! The book "Worst Teacher" is all about me. For every good thing I do there's five things that go wrong... but that shouldn't stop one from reflecting or trying to "cover up".

Not sure where this deviation has come from.

First day back loved it.

Maths is awesome.
Teaching it is a great.
Working in a school who treats teachers like people is the best.

So fears --- expecto patronum -- I've got this covered. Thanks for the push in the right direction. :)   Keep on guiding me!